My body...

First, I did take a test only to have a negative result reminding of what a long journey this has been. It also occurred to me today that I absolutely have this love-hate relationship with my body that I thought I'd share.

I hate that my body...
-could not hold onto the babies I wished for so badly.
-can't seem to function properly to carry a child again.
-seems to have a mind of it's own.

I love that my body...
-can produce such an amazing miracle.
-allowed me to see what being a mom is all about.

(Now sobbing)
I will forever be thankful for being able to experience pregnancy and having such an amazing child. I only wish I could have one last chance to completely cherish being pregnant and allow Jace the experience of being a big brother. It's has been 1 1/2 years since our last pregnancy and I'm losing hope that we will ever get pregnant again. I'm so frustrated right now!

Wait and see...

Who knows if our attempts worked this month, let's hope they did though. I don't really feel any different compared to other months but it's a bit early to start noticing any changes. I did ovulate a little later than I was hoping for and that could be the reason we don't conceive this month. So, just a few more weeks to go and we'll see what the verdict is.

Time to get serious!

Woohoo! I just placed an order for Pre-Seed and 12 ovulation prediction kits. As soon as I receive my order we're getting serious about baby making! I'm getting too old and Jace wants a sibling so we can't keep hoping we get it right. Plus, this month was a horrible month for trying to conceive so we really need to give it all we've got for the rest of the year.

FYI:Pre-Seed acts like your own cervical mucus and helps the little swimmers get where they need to be.

Pain in the ...back!?!

Okay~ this is just for those of you actually interested in our boring conception issues!
I somehow hurt my back yesterday and it's so painful to even walk. I'm taking something to try to make it more comfortable but as always, this (meaning yesterday and today) is the time I should be ovulating. Let's just say baby making isn't really going to work out well with me right now! I'm pretty sure god is punishing me for something!!!

Waiting...

Do I think we timed it right this month? NO! I have a feeling we missed it again. We just have too many life issues that get in the way. We had a few late nights meaning we didn't get to bed until 2am and then a night out with Nate and Kelsey. All these things add up to missed opportunities. I've asked Will if he's ready for artificial insemination and he's finally agreed that if we really try on our own until December and it doesn't happen, then he will be up to exploring AI. We'll see how it goes I guess. I just feel like AI will take all the guess work out of it. I'm not getting any younger and the fact that my mom had a total hysterectomy at the age of 30 is really starting to worry me. I really need this to happen soon!

Failed...

Another bad month! We are getting really good at not getting pregnant, huh? I really wanted to go at it full force this month and have a good surprise for Will on our anniversary but obviously failed. Instead of a good surprise to share I had to break the bad news that I started my cycle on our anniversary. So no baby making on our anniversary trip, sorry honey! I ruined this month by having another passing out episode around ovulation time. This time I passed out at the gym, how embarrassing! We actually made an attempt at conception prior to passing out but after I passed out I had no energy for a few days and I'm pretty sure that's when it mattered most. Oh well! I've come to accept that this baby business may not happen again for us and Will doesn't really want to explore the option of artificial insemination until we try the natural way a lot more. I can understand his reasoning but when life happens and natural conception isn't happening, I would really like to see some results one way or another. I have even started sorting through Jace's baby clothes in hopes of feeling less pressure to make a baby, but in the end it really only makes me want it more. After oohing and awing over all the cute baby stuff I only want a baby more and end up feeling more frustrated. Let's hope school will take my mind off of the baby efforts and thus make it happen!

Big shocker!

Not pregnant again...well for last month anyway. Let's hope our attempts work out better this month. Hey, my parents conceived me on the 4th of July...who knows!

We tried!

I can say we honestly tried to make it work this month but our attempts failed. I was so busy with my friends wedding that I only gave into my pee on a stick urge once. It was 4 days prior to the expected arrival of my period but said negative and that was enough for me to let myself enjoy a few drinks. So now onto next month!

Signs...

I'm always looking for some sort of sign that this will be THE month. It doesn't work out obviously but here I go anyway. So, I started this cycle on May 27th and IF I can get pregnant this month I would be due the same time as Jace's birthday. We'll give it all we have again and see if it works!

A friend of mine once asked why I was hoping to get pregnant knowing that my due date would be shared with some other important event. I guess it just gives me some sort of hope that it will happen and it would be that much more special. Of course having a baby on any day of the year would be special but for some reason I just look forward and think that just because it's Jace's birthday (or any other event I can think of) I'm more likely to have it happen. I don't know! One day I'll stop being crazy...maybe.

Ending April...

So today a new cycle starts...yeah! (Now read it with some sarcasm) Every month I tell myself I'm going to do whatever it takes to get pregnant and every month I continue to let myself down. So this month I WILL try harder! I want this pregnancy so bad and I'm tired of waiting.

Our approach to this infertility thing has been pretty conservative since our insurance doesn't cover fertility issues. However, if we seriously try for a few more months and nothing happens I may give in and see another fertility doctor. We did visit a fertility clinic about 9 months ago but some of the things they were doing seemed somewhat pointless. We did a couple of ultrasounds to make sure I was ovulating. The ultrasounds ended up being done a few days too early and resulted in me using ovulation prediction kits at home. So I could drive 1 1/2 hours for an ultrasound that costs about $120 each visit or pee on a stick at home costing about $3...hmm!?! They also didn't give us much guidance when we didn't conceive. I was kind of thinking they would present some sort of game plan and was disappointed that they didn't. So, we'll try on our own a little longer and hope that works!

Bad timing...

As I wrote in our family blog, I attempted to go for a run this morning but my efforts failed. I usually try to avoid running during the two week wait just in case I could be pregnant. So since I'm blogging about some desire to go for a run, let's just take that as a sign that I'm probably not pregnant again this month. I really could have tried harder and Will will be the first to agree to that! I'm just so tired after working and not getting home until 11:30 at night. I really need to quit this job so I can feel normal again. I did request an additional day off every week starting in May. Let's hope that leaves a little more time for baby making!

I will hope that maybe I've ovulated a little later and keep up hope that this could be the month! So next week I may start the horrible progesterone supplements again! UGH!!!

Hahaha!

Well as some sort of cruel joke my period was late by 5 days and just happened to start right on April 1st! What the hell!?!
I desperately hope that we stay free of illness the next few months so we can make some sort of normal attempt at conceiving. I don't intend for it to appear that we are in some sort of rush to conceive, but in a way we are! We aren't getting any younger and while it's true that Will can produce children up until the day he dies, the same isn't true for me. I'm starting to worry that if this takes much longer I may not be able to create a child. I know, I know...I'm not even thirty yet but it's really not that far away either. It took us five years to conceive Jace and another two years between Jace and our losses. Of course we weren't actively trying during the entire time but most people not using contraceptives seem to not have such a long wait. Maybe if Will gets fired and we end up on welfare I'll get pregnant! Hahaha!

Just checking in...

I'm finally feeling better! I think I started to feel "normal" again about a week ago. I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to feel well again after being ill for so long. I had a head scan Friday and will know the results this Thursday. I'm sure everything will be fine, but it will be interesting to see the results.

So, I'm sure this won't be our month to conceive either. That means we won't be welcoming a baby in 2008! :( I'm a little sad about that...okay, maybe a lot sad! I just wish this wasn't taking so long. I'm not getting any younger!

I probably won't have anything to post until next month so check back later!

Sick and tired!

This week has been absolutely horrible and I'm tired of feeling sick. I started feeling a little sick on Wednesday, nothing too bad though. Thursday morning I woke up and felt a little "off" and ended up passing out and hitting the dining room table. Will, Jace and I spent the better half of a day in the ER. Thank goodness they didn't find anything wrong with me but that doesn't make me feel confident that it won't happen again either. After leaving the ER I was instructed to go to an Internal Medicine Clinic to have a Holter monitor placed to wear for the next 12-24 hours. The results of that were fine too! Saturday I had one more slight fainting episode resulting in me lying on the tile bathroom floor leaving me with a minor bruise to my chin and cheek. So, I'm still sick and feel awful! My whole body just feels exhausted! I want to feel better so badly since I should be ovulating in 5 days or so. I know if I don't get well soon this month will be another failure!

Starting over...

So...we're back at cycle day one. Now we start all over and think positive thoughts! If this month doesn't work either I may consider scheduling a consult with a doctor again. Let's hope that's not going to be needed though!

I think I'm out...

I know she's coming, that unfriendly Aunt Flow! I can feel the pressure she puts on my back and the weight gain to the midsection has started. I'm holding out hope that she doesn't show up too early since she shouldn't be arriving for another five days. However, with symptoms already showing I know it won't be long. Also, I gave into my pee on a stick urge this morning only to have it confirmed that we are not pregnant this month. So, let's move onto next month! It has to be a better month since Jace, my mom and I will be having our birthdays. Here's hoping we can bring in a baby before 2008 ends!!!

Waiting for results now...

A nurse from my midwife's office called yesterday to say she didn't have the progesterone results because the wrong test was ordered. The midwife accidentally chose a prolactin test. The good news is my prolactin levels are good and I will find out Friday what my progesterone level is.

Just waiting...

I've been through this wait hundreds of times and I should feel like giving up, but I don't! I'm sure we didn't conceive this cycle because Will and I were both a little ill and some nights I was too tired. However, I still feel the need to hold onto to some hope until Aunt Flow shows up. I've been really hungry lately and have had some cramping which most normal people would view as a positive but my body enjoys playing tricks on me! When we had our miscarriages last year my body started doing really strange things. I will have almost every symptom of being pregnant, but then A.F shows up. After ovulation I have this intense sense of smell, cramping, and sore breasts. This cycle hasn't really produced anything except the cramping. I'll take that as a sign for now but I'll hold off on testing a little longer. I haven't heard what my progesterone level came back as so I'll place a call to my midwife today.

The TWW!

Secondary infertility is not something I ever imagined we would be experiencing after such a wonderful pregnancy with Jace. But we're here and now the journey begins...

Alright, the two week wait (TWW) is where we are now. That would be the period of time from ovulation until my next period should start. The TWW is more like torture than a wait. I will spend the next two weeks obsessing over every little twinge, cramp or weird sensation until I give into my urge to finally pee on a stick to see if I may a little bit pregnant (as if there is such a thing). This method never seems to work out in my favor, but I hope soon it will.

We are not currently using any fertility drugs and I hope we won't have a need to. We were taking progesterone supplements for a few months. The side effects are awful though so we stopped for a while. I gained about 8 pounds after I started taking them and this paired with a brief feeling of intoxication after taking the pill wasn't working out well for me. I have a blood draw planned for Monday to see how my progesterone level is without the medication if this turns out well I may not need to take the medication.

I really hope this blog will be short lived and we can soon report that we are pregnant again! I want nothing more than to have one more chance at creating a child and when that happens I will be the most ridiculous pregnant woman to walk the earth. This journey has taught me that you can't expect something to happen just because you want it to. Being the control freak that I am, this is a difficult lesson for me to learn. I hope you'll enjoy following me through this and sharing in my happiness in the end!